Simply put Communication is the foundation upon which a relationship is based. Without communication one could argue “is there really a relationship there?” So it is imperative that couples focus their attention on constantly improving their communication with each other.
I often hear couples talk about the exasperation they have with each other and their inability to communicate effectively. I don’t know of anything more frustrating in the world than not being able to express what is on one’s heart and mind. This process if it doesn’t occur leads to invalidation and from feelings of invalidation stem all kinds of marital dsyfunction. So I thought I’d write down a few tips that I often share with couples in counseling. A note of good news is that communication is a skill that is not “natural” or “genetic” and CAN be improved through disciplined effort!
Active Listening is an amazing gift that will improve anyone’s communicating ability. What does that look like? Check out this video for a few tips. Often people struggle to listen because they are trying to listen to two conversations at once. One conversation is the one happening with our spouse, the other is the conversation we are having with ourselves internally(usually prepping to interrupt and share our opinion). In large groups I attempt to demonstrate the futility of this by sitting a person in a chair with two strangers standing behind them. I instruct the two standing to begin talking simultaneously in sitting person’s ear. I follow this up by asking the sitting person what they heard? Basically, nothing.
Sadly, many couples find themselves in the same boat. After all the yelling, screaming, fighting, nagging and arguing what have they really heard, NOTHING! Why? Because they were trying to listen to two conversations at once, their own internal voice as well as the voice of their spouse. What a waste of time! How many couples then just wash, rinse and repeat this same useless sequence of events. If actual “communication” doesn’t occur then really this process is futile. Effective communication can only occur when one spouse speaks and the other listens, then the roles must change and the listening spouse speaks while the formerly speaking spouse now listens. If this level of reciprocation doesn’t occur, communication is not occurring.
Many people are misled to think communication stops at speaking. “I’m a good communicator, I talk all the time” they think. However speaking is only half of a communication. In order for communication to occur one must speak and then the same message spoken must be heard and received. Now this is a tall order. Many times what happens is that one thing is spoken and a different thing is heard. Sound familiar? We call this miscommunication, basically communication that misses. Miscommunication happens all the time for many different reasons. I could spend a lot of time talking about filters, assumptions, jumping to conclusions all of which get in the way of healthy communication but I don’t have the time to talk about that now. Here’s the simplest and best way I know to avoid miscommunication. Memorize this phrase, “This is what I heard you say, is that what you meant?” By adding that one phrase to your communication loop you may find and stop many miscommunications from becoming long-term fights and misunderstandings. To illustrate this I want you to imagine being in the military. Think of all the vital information that is communicated over radio. Now think of the words used like, “Do you Copy?”, “Roger?” or “Roger That.” or “Negative.” Why are these simple words used in the military’s language? They demonstrate with clarity whether or not the receiving party has truly heard what was said. Imagine if that didn’t occur. It would be truly horrible because without clear communication military resources would be sent to the wrong location. Literally everything that could break down would break down from rescue missions, to supply management, etc, etc, etc.
I guess I’m advocating for a similar strategy to begin the process of improving communication. If it comes to it say “Roger?” Am I being heard? Do you copy?
I still laugh hysterically when I think of Chris Rock and Jackie Chan in Rush Hour “Do you understand the words coming out of my mouth?” and the response, “Man, nobody understands the words coming out of your mouth!” Sadly, this is the state of communication in many of our most vital relationships.
I need to make one additional point. Hearing is different than agreeing. The point here is not that we are coming to an agreement, but are we hearing one another accurately. Coming to an agreement MIGHT follow but if first you must hear accurately or you will never come to an agreement. “Do you Copy?” 
So in the end we need two things to improve our communication. One, we need to communicate, which means both speaking and listening. Secondly, we need to avoid miscommunication. We need to make sure what is said is the same as what is being heard.
